endstuck

==>

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 22:55:31 -0500

Well, who’s this lovely lady?

> PSYCHE

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:15:00 -0500

We don’t even bother pretending to let you pick someone this time. You already know that you have no choice in the matter. What’s the use in pretending otherwise?

You click the blonde snarky-looking girl.

==>

> Just introduce the lady already.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:14:00 -0500

You turn toward the lady and are about to introduce her like the awesome gentleman you are! You open your mouth and words are going to come out of it and wow would you look at that one of those character screens appeared again

Gee whiz we really need to keep an eye on those things.

> PSYCHE

==>

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:10:00 -0500

You return to your card game and take a look at this SUPER SERIOUS BUSINESS. It is a game of LIFE OR DEATH. The STAKES are INCREDIBLY HIGH. You pull a battered fedora down over one eye in a menacing fashion.

The fedora was your DAD’s. You don’t really like to talk about it.

You get back to business with the best of them. You give what you are almost positive is an INTIMIDATING MANLY SNEER but on you actually just kind of looks like another goofy grin.

You glance down at your cards and utter in a super intimidating voice so full of mangrit that it’s almost embarrassing-

got any threes?

Hoo hoo!
I’m afraid I do not. Go fish, John!

Aw, nuts. You’re probably going to lose your third game in a row now. This is super frustrating!

You’re so totally going to prank her later. That is, if she doesn’t guess your plan and get you first. She does that sometimes.

> Just introduce the lady already.

> John: Look out the window.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:09:00 -0500

You walk to the window and stick your head out. The hotel overlooks a street that was probably busy once, but now just looks kind of empty.

It’s getting closer to winter, and the plan right now is to get out of Washington and into someplace warmer, maybe California, before it starts to snow. Snow is really pretty, but trying to survive the apocalypse when it’s all cold and stormy would be a pain in the butt!

==>

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:08:00 -0500

Now that that’s taken care of, back to you.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. Ever since the APOCALYPSE, you and your cousin who shall remain unnamed have been running around being kind of dorky. You both sort of want to join one of the many ELITE REBEL GROUPS that have been popping up lately to fight against the new regime, such as the famous and elusive EXILES. You’ve heard rumors about assassination attempts on the BATTERWITCH. Wow, there are so many cool things going on! You almost don’t know where to start.

The problem is that now only do you not exactly know what the rebel groups are really fighting for, but that your family is also affiliated with CROCKERCORP, the CAUSE OF THE APOCALYPSE itself. Not to mention that your cousin is NEXT IN LINE to inherit the empire! Well, was. Both of you broke all ties with Crockercorp when you found out the truth. The problem is that you’re still don’t think any rebel group would be too welcoming, all things considered.

What you really need is a CAUSE. A really big IMPORTANT CAUSE that would be something you could fight for! You’d say die for, but gosh, that honestly sounds pretty scary and ominous.

> John: Look out the window.

> ABORT ABORT ABORT

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:07:00 -0500

Pay no attention to the proverbial man behind the curtain. In this case, the mysterious lady who’s obviously related to you but we never would have guessed that.

More importantly, is that pizza we see on the nearby table- despite the fact that it’s the apocalypse and you should be sleeping in an abandoned warehouse and eating doritos? Some people just have it all, don’t they.

==>

> Pretend that you wanted to pick the scrawny geek all along and click on Mr. Buckteeth.

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 02:05:00 -0500

You can’t actually click on anything either because the character-select screen was just a jpeg but that’s beside the point.

You are now the SCRAWNY BUCKTOOTHED GEEKY GUY, but all things considered you are actually a FAIRLY ADORABLE SCRAWNY BUCKTOOTHED GEEKY GUY. Aww.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. You are sitting on the floor of a HOTEL ROOM that you don’t have to pay for because hello, apocalypse, which is really nifty! You are playing CARDS and engaging in some HEARTWARMING FAMILY BONDING with your cousi-

SHIT WE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE HER YET

> ABORT ABORT ABORT

> CHOOSE YOUR VICTIM

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:18:00 -0500

You can pick any one of these four characters that your heart desires!

No that was a fucking lie. You can only pick the scrawny geek with the buckteeth and glasses because the writer already decided to introduce him next. Free will is an illusion.

> Pretend that you wanted to pick the scrawny geek all along and click on Mr. Buckteeth.

> Stop goofing off and find some food, asshole.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:17:00 -0500

You decide to finally stop goofing off and in the process dash the writer’s hopes of getting readers interested in the story with dumb throwaway humor and jokes that break the fourth wall. Those hopes are so broken that it’s like someone ran a bulldozer through a glass wall and then held a MOTH3RFUCK1NG D4NC3 P4RTY on the pieces and ground them all to dust. This is what dreams are made of.

You stand up from the step and decide to go search for some food like a real badass hunter-gatherer (well, just the gatherer part, really) as long as you’re still wet- the rain shows no signs of letting up. You are seriously legitimately about to start this endeavor when suddenly A WILD CHARACTER-SELECT SCREEN APPEARS

> CHOOSE YOUR VICTIM

> Forget the bird and examine ninja sword.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:16:00 -0500

You pull your SWORD out of your pockets, because pockets can totally undoubtedly defy the laws of Euclidean geometry and hold something like a sword in them.

This is your NINJA SWORD. The really great thing about the apocalypse is that when something like eighty percent of the human race is dead, a lot of buildings go unwatched. Like museums. Sometimes museums go so unwatched that a skinny teenager could hypothetically waltz right in and take a historical artifact.

Such as, HYPOTHETICALLY, a SWORD. But of course, this is all just speculation.

> Stop goofing off and find some food, asshole.

> Have some compassion and help the bird!

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:16:00 -0500

…You would, really, but somehow you have a bad feeling about birds.

Like somehow when you go near them things go wrong. And badly affect your future. And doom a version of yourself to an alternate reality as a FEATHERY ASSHOLE on a doomed timeline.

What? No, that’s bullshit. You’re just thinking of the dreams you’ve been having again. You’ve really got to stop dwelling on them.

> Forget the bird and examine ninja sword.

> Throw the cupcakes away with the force of a great typhoon.

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 02:14:00 -0500

You fling those cupcakes so damn far that you’re actually really impressed at your own physical prowess, considering you haven’t had a decent meal in nearly a week. You didn’t know you had it in you.

The cupcakes hit a bedraggled bird and knock it unceremoniously from its perch on the telephone wire.

Oops.

> Have some compassion and help the bird!

> Swiftly examine pockets. Swiftly as a coursing river.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:52:00 -0500

Your POCKETS, unsurprisingly, can hold an awful lot of stuff.

Let’s see what you’ve got.

Contents: One (1) awesome as shit NINJA SWORD. Two (2) cans of PEPSI-COLA. One fuckton (fuckton) of DORITOS. A lot (great deal) of LINT. Five (5) packages of HOSTESS CUPCAKES, which you should probably get rid of before they turn evil and attack you in your sleep.

> Throw the cupcakes away with the force of a great typhoon.

> Get a map out of your sylladex to find where food might be located!

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:51:00 -0500

You cannot use a map because you are a MAN.

A REAL MAN does not ever use a map, because it is greatly frowned upon. And you are most certainly a REAL MAN. Possibly only second to the Old Spice Guy.

Also, you have no fucking idea what a sylladex is! It sounds like some weird gaming thing. All you have to keep items in are your POCKETS.

> Swiftly examine pockets. Swiftly as a coursing river.

> Get out of the rain already.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:50:00 -0500

You decide that being a drowned rat isn’t quite so fun anymore, and duck under a nearby awning. The dramatic setting was getting old.

> Get a map out of your sylladex to find where food might be located!

> STOP. THERE IS A TIME FOR BEATBOXING AND THIS IS NOT IT.

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:23:00 -0500

You would argue that there is always a time for beatboxing, which is true, but you’re actually really fucking hungry.

Food is a serious business.

> Get out of the rain already.

> Dave: Beatbox.

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:22:00 -0500

Yeah, sure.

Boom-tsh boom-tsh boom-tsh boom-tsh

> STOP. THERE IS A TIME FOR BEATBOXING AND THIS IS NOT IT.

> Dave: Find way into that run-down, abandoned building to search for sustenance.

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:21:00 -0500

..Which one?

But yeah, no. Even if at this point you’re soaking wet, you’re pretty sure the building that looks like it’s probably haunted isn’t a good place to go skipping into. That would just be asking for trouble.

What you actually need to do is find an abandoned supermarket or something, but you’ll do that later.

Right now you’re busy standing here thinking and looking up at the clouds and basically looking really fucking stupid.

> Dave: Beatbox.

> Dave: Think and plan in a most careful fashion.

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 02:19:00 -0500

Nah.

> Dave: Find way into that run-down, abandoned building to search for sustenance.